I’m Broke, But My Friends Keep Planning Expensive Group Vacations

My friends have more money than me and always want to take trips that I can’t afford. But I hate missing out on being with them. What should I do?

This is a super frustrating problem, compounded by the fact that the language we use around money (or lack thereof) is often dizzyingly non-specific. When someone says, “I’m broke,” they could mean, “My bank account is in the negative and I don’t know how I’ll eat this month,” or they could mean, “My next trust fund payment doesn’t come in until Tuesday.”

Money is precise, of course, but in a group of friends, it’s also relative. We measure our finances against our peers, but we don’t actually know how much money they have, so instead we measure against what we think they have, though that estimate may be wildly different from the truth. Add that to issues of shifting employment, debt, and family responsibility, and it’s no wonder that talking about money can be awkward with even the closest friends.

This is all to say that your experience is, unfortunately, common, because it’s exceedingly rare for a group of people to be in the exact same financial boat, let alone consistently so. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else in your friend group is in the same situation as you are, but hasn’t known how to speak up.

And speaking up is exactly what you should do, even if it feels uncomfortable. But first, figure out your budget, so that you can talk specifics. (When it comes to money, people tend to interpret ambiguous statements by projecting their own experience, which isn’t exactly going to help you here.) What amount can you spend on adventures with your friends? Are you able to afford the occasional bigger trip, as long as it’s not a regular occurrence? Or is your budget basically zero? What would be a comfortable amount for you to spend? If you come to them with numbers—“Hey guys, I really want to do this, but my fun budget this month is a hundred dollars”—then it’s going to be much easier for your friends to adjust their plans accordingly.

Remember, your friends want your company. It’s completely normal (and great) for groups of buddies to adjust to each other’s limitations. Maybe you plan your hangouts for Saturdays, because someone has to work on Sunday. Or you skip the gorp when you’re hiking, because someone’s allergic to peanuts. That’s not hardship; it’s friendship. Supporting each other, and making adjustments, is part of what community is all about.

How to Plan Budget-Friendly Trips

Your friends may be able to help support you on trips they’ve already planned, like by letting you sleep in their hotel room or packing food instead of stopping at restaurants along the way. They might still take the occasional trip you can’t afford, but overall, if they’re considerate, they’ll keep your budget in mind.

That said, if you really want group trips that stick to your budget, the best way to ensure they happen is by planning them yourself. This is true for anyone who has limitations that their friends don’t, whether those limitations are financial, physical, or something else. Your friends may not understand your criteria, even if they want to. But if you plan something and invite them, they’ll be delighted—and you’ll know that the trip works for you, too.

What are your friends into? What seems fun to you? The great thing about outdoor travel is that it can be dirt cheap (no pun intended) or even free, if you take advantage of public land, shared equipment, or stuff you already have. Keep an eye out for community events, or natural phenomena like migrations or meteor showers that make even a local jaunt feel exciting. Or try something new, like foraging, and do the research yourself ahead of time. Remember that adventures aren’t fun because they’re expensive; they’re fun because of good company, or because you’re stepping outside your daily life and exploring.

If someone reading this column is the friend with more money, let this be a reminder to be considerate, and to hold off on making assumptions about what your friends can afford. Remember that amounts of money that feel small to you can cause a lot of stress for your friends, which is the last thing you want to do! That’s not to say that you should stop inviting people on trips that may be out of their budget; it’s on them to say yes or no, and everyone likes to be invited, even if they don’t ultimately come along. But try to balance those with cheaper activities—or better yet, free ones. You want your friends to know that you don’t love their company because of what they can pay for, or what you get to do together. You love their company because of who they are.

Blair Braverman writes our Tough Love column. Her favorite cheap adventure is river tubing: park one car down-river, then carpool upstream and float your way back down. In her experience, old-school tire inner tubes are often less than $10 and less likely to pop than low- or mid-priced float tubes.